ich muss doch zugeben.. ich bin in anselm verliebt. was hab ich getan, um diese gefühle zu verdienen? ich hab nie so was in meinem ganzen leben gefühlt und find es total schrecklich, nicht mit ihm zusammen zu können. vielleicht in der zukunft, an einem irgendwelchen tag, sag ich ihm, wie ich mich fühle, und dass ich einfach in jeder hinsicht nach ihm verrückt bin. aber bis zu dem tag muss ich immer noch leiden :(

i swore to myself that i would never again write another livejournal entry. i guess some pacts are just worth breaking. writing makes me feel so.. calm. especially now when i need to be calm.

everyone keeps asking if there's something wrong with me, like i haven't been myself these last couple of days. people should just stop asking that question, because they're never going to get an answer. i will always be as i have been for my whole life: i'll say "yeah i'm fine" and move on. i don't like telling people my problems. in fact, i hate it. it's a waste of breath, because it doesn't make me feel better and they probably don't care anyways. in fact, i'm not sure even what the face of a "genuine friend" would look like.

i mean sure, there are plenty of friend types. almost all of my friends are just the "come and go" type friends.. you hang out with them and you have so much fun and then you hang out whenever you have time again. nobody in my friend group really cares about the well-being of each other. not really. we can pretend, but we all know the truth. i like it that way. if i had a friend who really "was concerned" about me and really wanted to "help with my problems", i'd be so annoyed with them i wouldn't know what to do. anyone should know me well enough by now that i DON'T need help from anyone and i don't take favors. in other words, spewing out my problems all over someone will not do any good, and chances are, i won't even take the advice given. mostly because i'm just THAT stubborn. i don't WANT any help, god dammit. LEAVE ME ALONE.

leave.
me.
alone.

to everyone out there:

i just watched a new documentary called "loose change".. it's a movie that reveals the truths and unanswered questions about 9/11.. it's very insightful and has REAL information. it's not a documentary where information is just made up for the sake of the film, it's real shit. public record, and it's lookupable.

it's worth a shot so please watch it. the information in this film really needs to get out to the public because it's groundbreaking and could change the way america thinks. it may or may not change your mind about things but it'll sure make you think and it's definitely worth a watch.

i don't even know why i asked. i already knew the answer.
i definitely didn't need you to reassure me..

i already know the truth.
i'm boring.
i'm ordinary.
i'm plain.

i get it. i get the picture.

you don't have to tell me that you can't have fun with me.
i know that you do with everyone else..
i just don't understand why no one can have a good time with me.

oh well. i'll save this depressfest for another time and another place.
i don't know why anyone ever bothers with me.
i'm so difficult.

i'm so bored..

and wet. i just took a shower.
i have jazz band in a little bit but i really don't want to go. really really really.

do you ever have those days where you feel like you're falling off the face of the earth? like everyone you thought was your friend or cared about you just doesn't seem to anymore? like they're all going to some secret party that i'm not invited to.. like it's some big secret and i can't know.

everyone's so distant.. and i'm tired of being blown off. i just want to go to bed.

and dry off.

has anyone seen the ladykillers?
well. i have.

in the movie, tom hanks and his crew kill each other off one by one. when one of them dies, they go out to a local bridge and dump the body off into a garbarge barge. the body hits with a dull thud and they move along with their lives.

i keep wondering.. did the body feel anything? i mean, even after death, when you're supposedly gone; absent from your body.. would a fall like that hurt? it seems almost rude to just cast someone away like that.

thud.


it hurts.

i'm lonely.

and it's my fault. well, not entirely. i AM grounded, but people can still come over here if they wish. and yet no one does. so here i am. alone in my house, eating cake and watching ocean's twelve. how pathetic i am. good lord. i sort of make myself sick sometimes.

this past week has been really physically exhausting. marching band kills people, including myself. but it wasn't too emotionally exhausting until these past two days.. i'm starting to feel one of my depression kicks coming on. i think it's because i have to be by myself alot and have alot of time to think.

and if anybody knows me, my thoughts are generally not good. i don't know why that is. most of the time i don't know what's wrong with me. haha..

god, i'm sick of myself.
i just wish that someone would want to come see me, and rescue me from boredom.. and myself, of course.

hmm.

i'm so pensive that i don't even know what to write.
isn't that a bugger?

normally when i'm pensive all of my thoughts seem to pour out of me like a continuously flowing waterfall, never ceasing or slowing.. but now. i don't know what to say.

many of my thoughts are either not important enough to write or just inappropriate for a public setting. i'll jot them down later in a private entry.

ross is staying over tonight i think, if his parents let him. it'll be the first time in a while.. and i like that. i was thinking that we were drifting, which we are.. but hopefully this will help push us back to normal.

i should go.

i'm a dumbass.

i sit and watch as the ones i love drift farther and farther away. and yet i do nothing.

i do nothing because i know that i can't.
i do nothing because i know that i'm the reason.

me and my stubborness. my intolerance for everything. my constant moodiness and... being-pissed-off-ness. and yet i can't help it. it's not my fault that little things get on my nerves and make me annoyed and intolerant all day. which in turn makes me snappy and short-nerved.

it's just how i am.

and when i have the chance to be with the people that don't make me like this, i can't. either because i'm busy or i'm sure they just choose not to. i can see why. it's not their fault.

i'm just ready for the year to be over.
i hate myself.

prom... was amazing.
i could not have asked for a better date or a better day (or day after), so thank you natalie. you are amazing. :)

i can't stop smiling.
take a look at this wonderful picture and smile with me.
thanks.







good day.